Dear Sinéad, Siouxsie and Thomas:
Approximately two and a half months ago I adopted two kittens from two different shelters and from the start they were the best of friends: They sleep together, groom each other, play together, etc. The first kitten, Harry (6 months), was afraid when we walked (I think because he was in a cage for so long), but from the first day -- even after a bath -- he cuddled with us and gave my husband and me endless affection. The second kitten, Freddy (4.5 - 5 months), purred nonstop from the time I picked him up at adoption day, including when we brought him to the vet. I know this could be because he was afraid, but he also rolled over for us to pet his belly and seemed to be giving us affection by rubbing against us. He wasn't afraid of us walking, but he was afraid when he heard noises when he was alone. We would find him buried under a blanket or inside a pillow sham when we came into the room. However, as soon as he saw it was us, he would come out and be affectionate. Freddy never ran from us.

In the beginning, we worked with Harry a lot more, because Freddy didn't seem afraid at all. About a week after we had them, Freddy came down with a terrible upper respiratory infection, and was very sick -- to the point that we ran out late at night to get him a humidifier to help him breathe better. At this time he was also on antibiotic for over two weeks and really hated getting his liquid medicine, although he was very tolerant of it. Around this time he was also very cautious about going downstairs and remained upstairs in the room that we settled him into when he first came home most of the time (I assumed that he felt safe in there). When he did go downstairs, we couldn't walk up to him without him running away, unless it was time to be fed. If he is hungry then we can pick him up and pet him and he is all purrs. He will usually come sleep cuddled up next to my legs while I watch TV or when I go to bed, but he never comes higher than my thigh unless he's under the covers. He purrs like crazy if we pet him when he's on the bed or in his cat hammock -- always rolling over for us to pet his belly.

About a month after we adopted Freddy, we brought him to be neutered and found out that his fang baby teeth hadn't fallen out and needed to be pulled. When he came home from being neutered and having his teeth pulled, he was fearless once again and overly playful. I thought that maybe his teeth were hurting him and that's why he'd kept his distance -- and our problem was solved.

Slowly but surely, Freddy has become frightened of us walking up to him and picking him up again. He is still OK if we pick him up or pet him when he's hungry or sleepy. I don't know what to do. He never comes up to us just to rub on us and show us affection -- I always have to seek him out. I've tried holding him and petting him and talking softly to him, but he only stays for so long and never really seems relaxed.

I don't know how this once-fearless, purring cat has become so frightened of us. The only thing I can figure is that we gave him medicine so much that he associates our laps with the medicine, but it still doesn't make sense that he'll come to us when he's tired or let us pick him up and pet him when he's hungry. My other thought was that Harry is overly possessive of us and seems to get jealous when we give Freddy attention. Is it possible that my loving Harry is threatening my little Freddy to stay away from us? Or could it be that Freddy's jaw is not in line yet and until it grows in place, he will be distant because he is uncomfortable? He does seem to make chewing motions with his mouth randomly. Please give me some advice. I know he has the potential to be a very good cat. He never bites or uses his claws, he is not nasty in any sense of the word, he just seems to be afraid and we want Freddy to be happy living with us. I've never had a cat that doesn't love to be around us all the time -- I always thought it was because we gave them so much love -- but Freddy seems to be afraid of our affection.

Thanks,
Kimberly

Sinéad: Well, Kimberly, there are a couple of factors at work here. You are right in thinking that illness and injury -- and the resultant medical treatment -- can be traumatic to cats and cause changes in behavior.

Siouxsie: It's also possible that Harry is somehow intimidating Freddy. Often when cats come back from the veterinarian, they smell different, and that "alien" smell can cause cats that once knew each other to be hostile as a result.

Thomas: In addition, the extensive work you did with Harry to help him become less fearful of you certainly had an effect on the bond you have with him. Harry may now be more closely bonded to you and feel that you are his humans exclusively.

Sinéad: The good news is that all of these issues can be remedied.

Siouxsie: Because Freddy has been traumatized by his medical care -- and let me reassure you that this is not your fault -- the first thing you'll need to do is help Freddy to associate you and your husband with fun and affection.

Thomas: The best way to do this is by playing with him. Both you and your husband need to take time with Freddy each day to engage him in some gentle, fun interactive play sessions. There are lots of great cat toys on the market, and any of these can help bring Freddy back out of his shell.

Sinéad: Since Freddy is skittish right now, you'll want to use toys that don't make a lot of noise, but that stimulate his hunting instinct. The Kitty Tease, for example, is an interactive toy made from a small piece of denim dangling from a string attached to a pole.

Siouxsie: The way you would play with this toy is to make the little bit of denim on the end mimic the movements of prey -- a mouse or an insect -- by walking it across the floor, and then jerking it in various directions at random moments. Just imagine the way a mouse would move across an open space to get to a yummy piece of cheese and make those kind of movements with the toy.

Thomas: If Freddy is hiding under a couch or behind a piece of furniture, move the toy around where he can see it from his hiding place. The chances are good that the movement of the toy will draw him out from hiding and encourage him to run and chase the toy.

Sinéad: Don't forget to let him "win" and grab the toy. When he plays, encourage him in a soft voice with words like "Oh, what a good boy! What a ferocious hunter!" You can enhance the playtime still further by including treats to reward him for a successful "kill."

Siouxsie: Other toys, such as Da Bird, can also be fun for cats to play with. Da Bird is another "thing on a string" toy -- but this one moves like a bird when you play with it and makes sounds like a bird in flight.

Thomas: When you're doing play sessions with Freddy, don't forget to love and stroke him very gently. If he acts as though he doesn't want to be petted -- for example, if he runs away from your hand -- be patient. It takes time to rebuild a relationship with a traumatized cat.

Sinéad: As Freddy gets more confident in his play, his increased confidence will show in his relationship with Harry. He'll be less likely to let himself be bullied or kept out of places he wants to be. And as he comes to associate you and your husband with fun and love, he'll be more likely to approach you for affection.

Siouxsie: Make sure you do plenty of interactive play with Harry, too, so he doesn't start feeling left out and resentful of Freddy.

Thomas: You will also want to schedule "affection times" exclusively for one cat or the other. That way, Harry and Freddy will each get one-on-one time with you and your husband. This one-on-one time will help each kitten realize that you belong to both of them.

Sinéad: You'll probably find that each cat has his particular favorite toy. Every cat has a distinct prey preference, and this will show in the type of toy he likes best. It will also help Freddy if he has some toys that are "just his," that only smell like him, so he doesn't become intimidated by Harry's scent on a toy.

Siouxsie: After Freddy becomes more confident, you'll want to bring Harry and Freddy together to have some group play time. Use the toys they like and let them play "together separately" at first -- that is, you play with one and your husband plays with the other, but you're all in the same room.

Thomas: Don't forget that each of you needs to play with both cats. Take turns. One night, you might play with Harry and your husband with Freddy; the next night you play with Freddy and your husband plays with Harry. That way, both cats will bond equally with each of you.

Sinéad: It's important that you not allow one cat or the other to monopolize "public lap time," that is, the time you and your husband spend together watching TV or playing a game, reading the paper, or just chatting at the end of the work day.

Siouxsie: While you're encouraging Freddy with play and affection, remember to speak to him, not just with your words but with your heart. We cats understand words spoken from the heart, and we understand the feelings we get from you.

Thomas: Because of this, we're sure that Freddy knows you love him and care about him. But he's got to overcome his fear before he can truly be comfortable with you.

Sinéad: And remember that some cats just don't care to be picked up or handled, unless they decide they want affection. I'm one of those cats who prefers not to be picked up, myself. I love my mama, and I'm very cuddly and affectionate as long as it's my choice to get in her lap or snuggle with her. If she tries to pick me up and hold me, I don't like that and struggle to get away.

Siouxsie: The best thing you can do for Freddy is love him (from a distance if necessary), spend time with him doing fun things like playing, and let him have the time he needs to start feeling comfortable with you. It will happen, don't worry.

Thomas: And if Harry is causing trouble by being territorial -- and territorial behavior can be very subtle, believe me! -- then you need to reframe his and Freddy's relationship by distracting Harry when you see territorial behavior and creating a new dynamic between them with fun play together.

Sinéad: We've written another column on rebuilding love and trust in a cat friend, and you may find what we've written there to be helpful as well.

Siouxsie: We recommend that you try Feliway, a cat pheromone analogue that has been very successful in helping to alleviate anxiety and fighting between cats. Mama's used Feliway for us, and it worked like a charm.

Thomas: Feliway comes in a spray and in plug-in diffusers. Mama used the plug-in diffuser and the spray together to help us when some of us (ahem) started having fighting and spraying issues. On the advice of Gail, the lady who owns CatFaeries (where Mama bought her Feliway), Mama used the diffuser in the room where we spent the most time and used the spray in each room of the house, twice a day, until we started feeling better.

Sinéad: If you order Feliway from CatFaeries, Gail can give you personalized advice on how best to use Feliway to help you deal with any territorial issues between Freddy and Harry.

Siouxsie: Feliway is also available through veterinarians, at large pet stores, and online through places like Drs. Foster and Smith.

Thomas: In addition to using pheromones, many cat lovers have had great success in treating anxiety with flower essences and homeopathy.

Sinéad: We encourage you to find a veterinary homeopath in your area. We really believe that if you find a good homeopath, who understands cat psychology and the principles of homeopathy, you will be able to undertake a program that will help Freddy and Harry both.

Siouxsie: While you're looking for a homeopath, we recommend that you use some flower essence remedies to help treat Freddy's anxiety. We've used flower essences from Green Hope Farms, and we love them!

Thomas: Green Hope Farms has a whole line of animal care flower essences, including an essence to help treat anxiety.

Sinéad: And best of all, the Green Hope essences are preserved in a Red Shiso Root tincture, rather than the alcohol that's usually used to preserve herbal remedies and flower essences. That means it tastes better and doesn't burn our tongues.

Siouxsie: If you do get essences from them, we recommend you start with the remedies called Anxiety, Abandonment & Abuse, and New Beginnings.

Thomas: We hope this advice helps, Kimberly. Please let us know how things turn out. And, as always, we do encourage you to discuss these issues with your cats' veterinarian, too. He or she might have some insight on how to help you improve their relationship. Your vet is the other most important person in your cats' life, and veterinarians can be a wonderful resource for information and support.

Got a question? Need some advice? E-mail us at advice@paws-and-effect.com. None of the material in this column is meant to be a substitute for regular veterinary care.