Dear Sinéad, Siouxsie and Thomas:
Last June I wrote to you and asked for advice on how to give my cat Casey his medication. He was extremely ill. You knew that I needed the information
immediately, and you answered right away. I'll always be grateful to you for the information that you e-mailed to me; it did help, and thank you so much!

My little precious boy had to be euthanized on October 20, 2005. He developed liver disease. He stopped eating. I tried everything because I just didn't want
to let go of him, which was selfish on my part -- I did this for me and not for him. I cooked him anything and everything I thought he might like, just to get him to eat. And, bless his heart, he did eat, but very very little. It was when the vomiting started that I knew the time had come. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, since he was literally my "constant companion."

So again, I come to you for advice. Do you know of any group on the Internet that could help me get over this grief? People that have suffered the loss of their beloved pet? I cannot seem to get over this.

I want to thank you again, for all that you have done for me.
~ Roberta

Sinéad: Oh, Roberta. We're so sorry to hear of your loss. We know how sad it can be for humans to lose their animal friends, because we've helped Mama through three such times ourselves.

Siouxsie: And your request is timely as well. If you read last week's column, you'll know that we had a death in our kitty family recently, too, and that made Mama and the other humans in her family sad. We'll be glad to write about grief support resources, because this information will help lots of animal caretakers.

Thomas: You're not alone in mourning the death of your beloved cat friend. Thousands, if not millions, of other humans all over the world grieve the loss of animal companions. They feel that grief just as deeply as they would the loss of a good human friend or relative.

Sinéad: The first thing you need to know, Roberta, is that you don't need to feel ashamed or guilty about grieving for Casey. You clearly had a very deep bond with him and shared many years together. The grief you're feeling isn't going to go away overnight, and it's perfectly normal to feel sad. It's been less than a month since Casey died, and since you were so close, it is going to take some time for the grief to resolve itself.

Siouxsie: You may have heard about the "grieving process," as some human psychologists call it. There are five stages: Shock/disbelief/denial, anger, bargaining (often with God or some other spiritual power in your life), depression, and acceptance/resolution/recovery. You may go through these stages in order, or you might find that you experience anger before disbelief. Or perhaps you skip anger and bargaining and go right from shock to depression. Nothing is really cut-and-dried in the grieving process, and the length and timing of the grief process varies from person to person. The point is that what you're feeling is normal.

Thomas: And then sometimes you might feel like you're doing okay, until something totally unexpected triggers your grief all over again. Maybe you get home from work or errands, and Casey's not there to greet you at the door. Or you're cleaning out the fridge and find a half-finished can of cat food. Or you move the sofa and you see a bunch of "dust bunnies" made up of his fur.

Sinéad: Some humans make the mistake of thinking that they "should" get over the grief of losing an animal friend more quickly because "it was an animal, after all." Even those of us who know how strong the bond between people and animals can be, sometimes fall into this trap. But think about this -- if Casey was 13 when he died, you and he have had a relationship for all those years. You may have had several boyfriends or girlfriends, a couple of different jobs, or moved to at least one new place during that time. Casey was the only constant in your life through all those changes. It's hard to lose a friend who's been with you that long, no matter whether that friend has four legs or two!

Siouxsie: Some humans are really insensitive about the grief around losing an animal friend. These humans have never known the level of love and bonding that can exist between humans and animals if it's allowed to happen. They're the kind of people who'll tell you to get over it because he was "just a cat" or who'll say "you can always get another one."

Thomas: The truth is, there will never be another Casey. Even if you find you are ready to adopt another cat someday, that cat will make his or her own special mark in your heart. No other cat can -- or should be expected to -- replace your beloved friend.

Sinéad: This time is hard for you, and we're sending you our purrs of sympathy and condolence. And we've also located some resources for pet loss grief support online. We're sure these organizations and websites will help you and other people who have recently lost an animal friend.

Siouxsie: The Animal Love and Loss Network offers free online chat rooms and support groups. They also have extensive directories of resources, including counselors who will help people grieving the loss of a pet; animal tribute pages; and much more.

Thomas: Petloss.com is the largest pet loss support-related site we know of. Petloss.com has forums, tributes to pets, poetry, and offers a weekly candle ceremony to honor our deceased animal companions. This site does have a lot of MIDI files, so depending on your level of patience with such things, you may elect to turn your speakers off when you view the site.

Sinéad: In Memory of Pets offers a message board, sympathy cards, and a variety of other grief support resources.

Siouxsie: And finally, the about.com Cats forum has a whole subsection dedicated to pet loss issues.

Thomas: We'd also like to recommend a couple of books that we think could help you. The first of these is The Heart That Is Loved Never Forgets by Kaetheryn Walker. This book focuses on how animals react to losing human companions and other animal friends, but we think you'll also find some support in reading the stories about humans and animals that shared a deep bond. You may also find that you benefit from using some of the homeopathic remedies recommended in this book for particular types of grief symptoms.

Sinéad: The book Complete Care for Your Aging Cat by Amy D. Shojai also has a whole chapter dedicated to the difficult decision to euthanize an ailing cat, as well as a discussion and validation of the grief you're feeling right now.

Siouxsie: There are two fiction books that might be helpful as well: The Fur Person by May Sarton and The Autobiography of Foudini M. Cat by Susan Fromberg Schaeffer are written from the viewpoint of cats and discuss grief and loss within their pages as well.

Thomas: If you feel like you're having much too difficult a time with your grief -- for example, if you're feeling overwhelmed by depression and guilt -- we would recommend that you talk to a professional counselor. Any good human counselor will understand that grief and bereavement over the loss of a pet can be incredibly painful and will be willing to work with you to sort out your feelings and help you get back on your feet again. The websites we mentioned above do have links to counseling resources as well as online forums.

Sinéad: We think you'll find that as you are able to get support for your feelings, they won't feel so overwhelming to you. It's been two years since our grandma kitty Shaughnessy died, and Mama still feels a pang of sadness when she thinks of her. But the throat-closing pain has abated, replaced by good memories and the knowledge that they had a wonderful life together.

Siouxsie: There's an animal communicator who used to have a TV show on Animal Planet. During that show, she would help people talk with their pets who had crossed over. She would often say, "we never forget our deceased pets, we just learn to live without them." You may always have a Casey-shaped hole in your heart, but remember that Casey would want you to know you did the right thing. He understands why you had a hard time letting him go, and he's not mad at you.

Thomas: Once again, Roberta, you have our sympathies and purrs. We hope that we've been able to help you find some resources to support you through this difficult and sad time.

Got a question? Need some advice? E-mail us at advice@paws-and-effect.com. None of the material in this column is meant to be a substitute for regular veterinary care.