Dear Sinéad, Siouxsie and Thomas:
I am worried that one of my cats, Neil, is fomenting some pernicious plot to take over the world, or at least our household. He stares at me, a LOT. I have a lot more experience with dogs, who often try to establish dominance through staring contests. Are cats the same way? That is, do they also stare to determine the 'alpha' cat? The problem is that it is very, very difficult to win one of these face-offs with him. Should I consistently stare him down, or does it matter with cats? He isn't at all aggressive, with other humans, dogs, or other cats -- only me, his primary care giver.

Thanks!
Ashley

Sinéad: Well, Ashley, let us set your mind at ease. Your cat isn't staring at you in order to dominate you.

Siouxsie: We cats already know that we own the world! Why should we need to engage in any petty staring contests with humans to prove that?

Thomas: In actuality, Neil is staring at you because he's curious about you and interested in what you're doing. That's the main reason why cats stare at people or other things (such as any interesting action outside the window, or something neat on TV).

Sinéad: Cats establish a hierarchy in other ways. We have a different kind of social interaction from dogs, who, being pack animals, use staredowns and other social-group-type behavior.

Siouxsie: That's not to say that cats are asocial. Far from it! We cats have very complex social structures, and we form friendship bonds with humans and other cats. Typically, though, we don't get together in packs -- our social units tend to be groups of two or three at the most.

Thomas: Cats will engage in staredowns with other cats, but since we don't try to establish dominance over humans -- after all, any sensible human knows his or her place in relation to cats! -- staring at you is not an indication that we're trying to control you.

Sinéad: It's kind of pointless for a human to try to win a stare-down with a cat, because we cats are gifted with the ability to outstare just about any other creature alive.

Siouxsie: We actually wrote a whole column on the body language of aggressive and defensive cats. If you want to read that article, you'll learn about how you can tell through body language whether a cat is being aggressive, defensive, or just curious. The following week we wrote an article about how ears, eyes, tails and whiskers are used in cat communication. We think those articles will help you understand what Neil is trying to tell you.

Thomas: Another question you might ask yourself is, "Is my cat staring at me, or is he just blinking very slowly?"

Sinéad: The slow blink is known as the "cat kiss." Our human friend Kaetheryn taught Mama that the slow blink means "I love you," and she showed Mama how to return our kitty kisses.

Siouxsie: You can send Neil a kiss by making eye contact with him and then closing and opening your eyes very slowly. If you wear eyeglasses, remove them so Neil can see your eyes better. You'll probably be surprised to find that Neil returns your kiss.

Thomas: You can also make eye contact with Neil and send him thoughts of interest and fondness. When you look at someone with joy and love in your eyes, it shows, and believe it or not, your cat will "feel" the love you're sending him, too.

Sinéad: Actually, Siouxsie's comment about eyeglasses made me think of something else. If you do wear glasses, Neil may in fact think you are staring at him all the time. A cat that isn't familiar with eyeglasses may think a human wearing them is staring constantly because the glasses never blink.

Siouxsie: Of course, we're very wise cats and we know better. And we've seen our Mama with glasses and without them, so we know she has eyes!

Thomas: So don't worry, Ashley. We're quite sure your sweet Neil isn't trying to take over the world or be aggressive with you. He's simply curious about you and wants to make eye and mind contact with you.

Sinéad: We encourage you to exchange "kitty kisses" with Neil whenever the mood moves you. And don't try to dominate him by staring him down, because it's a pointless endeavor.

Siouxsie: If you want to learn more about the social lives and communication styles of cats, we recommend that you read Cat Speak: How to Communicate with Cats by Learning Their Secret Language by Bash Dibra. Dibra is a dog trainer and author of some renown; he also lives with four cats and several birds, so he's a good person to be able to help you understand how cat communication differs from dogs'.

Thomas: Think Like A Cat: How to Raise a Well-Adjusted Cat, Not A Sour Puss by Pam Johnson-Bennett is another good resource for learning about your cat and how you can go about "training" your cat to behave as you want him to. We should note that cats cannot and should not be trained the same way as dogs. We can't state this strongly enough! Cats learn best through positive reinforcement, not through domination or punishment or clicker training.

Sinéad: We hope this helps, Ashley. And we hope you enjoy a long, wonderful relationship with Neil.

Got a question? Need some advice? E-mail us at advice@paws-and-effect.com. None of the material in this column is meant to be a substitute for regular veterinary care.