Dear Siouxsie, Thomas and Dahlia:
I'm at my wits' end! My boyfriend of 5 years and I are living together for the first time and my cat is terribly fearful of him, although my boyfriend has never behaved badly toward the cat. Let me first state my error in all of this. My cat, Gatsby, age 9, is a complete mama's boy. It's been him and me for almost the whole time and he was once abused by a former boyfriend of mine, which is why he's fearful of men in general. Typically, if a man doesn't like Gatsby, it's good-bye to the man! I coddle my "baby" and I feel that I have a commitment to protect and care for him. When Gatsby sees my boyfriend, he immediately hisses and growls and cowers to the floor afraid to move. I am in the middle of this and don't know what to do!

I scold Gatsby when he behaves this way. My boyfriend's patience is minimal at best, so he attempts to make nice but it doesn't last long. His view is, "he's higher on the food chain, so he rules." I, on the other hand, give in to Gatsby and have for 9 years, so it's going to be difficult to change his behavior and I almost feel like I don't want to! My boyfriend is a rational human being, most of the time, and I feel he should quit taking offense to Gatsby's behavior. Should we introduce another cat? I need some advice. I'm ready to end my relationship over this!

Thanks,
~Torn Between Two Loves

Siouxsie: You do have a tough situation there, Torn. It's not easy to manage a difficult relationship triangle like this. But we do think we can help.

Thomas: It's perfectly normal for Gatsby to be scared of men since he's been abused by a man in the past. And it's perfectly normal for you to want to protect Gatsby and give him the care he deserves. When you adopted Gatsby, you made a commitment to give him a loving and caring (and safe) home for his whole life.

Dahlia: Cats are generally very good judges of character. But trauma early in life can make a cat scared of anyone who resembles the person who traumatized the cat.

Siouxsie: I personally don't think it's helpful for your boyfriend to lose his patience with this cat. Maybe you can ask your boyfriend how he'd approach a fearful, traumatized human child. Would he lose his temper and express frustration in a scary way? I think not!

Thomas: Also ask him to think about whether he'd throw away a child because the kid was frightened or didn't like him at first.

Dahlia: Now, we know there are lots of humans who never want to have children of their own. The point we're trying to make is not that cats should be used as parent training, but that all living creatures deserve the same respect, kindness and love that humans want from one another and should be willing to give one another.

Siouxsie: A frightened and traumatized cat doesn't need anybody yelling at, making fun of, or disrespecting him! If your boyfriend wants to get along with your cat, he's going to need to muster up every ounce of kindness and patience he can. He needs to know that you and Gatsby are a package, and he can't have one without the other.

Thomas: He also needs to know that you expect him to be kind and tolerant to Gatsby. Gatsby may never love your boyfriend as he does you, but if your boyfriend acts respectful (and shares some cat care chores like feeding and emptying the litterbox), Gatsby will come to see him as a safe person.

Dahlia: Your boyfriend really shouldn't take Gatsby's behavior personally. Gatsby's fear is most likely not about him. However, if your boyfriend has raised his voice toward you or Gatsby, or he's behaved in a way that reminded Gatsby of your former abusive boyfriend, this could certainly have damaged any developing relationship between Gatsby and your current boyfriend.

Siouxsie: For your part, Torn, you need to stop scolding Gatsby when he behaves fearfully. The scolding will not help Gatsby feel better. It would be more helpful for you to say things like "It's okay, Gatsby, you're safe" in a reassuring tone of voice. Gatsby certainly senses the tension you're feeling, and he probably associates your tension and stress with unsafe situations in his past.

Thomas: As we discussed in last week's column, cats are extremely sensitive to emotions, and any anxiety you feel can create a feedback loop with your cat.

Dahlia: The good news is, there are things you can do to help decrease Gatsby's anxiety level. First, we'd recommend that you invest in a couple of Feliway plug-in diffusers and use them in rooms where your cat likes to hang out.

Siouxsie: Feliway is a synthetic feline pheromone that promotes calmness and reduces anxiety. Generally it's used to treat inappropriate urination and aggression problems, since these most often are caused by anxiety. However, it can be very helpful for fearful kitties like Gatsby, too. It's available through online retailers as well as at pet stores and veterinarians' offices.

Thomas: Many cats who live with women all their lives find the heavy footfalls and deep voices of men to be intimidating. Your boyfriend may have to practice moving slowly and speaking softly to Gatsby, and perhaps avoid wearing large stompy boots in the house so that his footfalls aren't so loud.

Siouxsie: Sinéad and I used to be intimidated by guys. Mama's brothers are huge and Mama says they sometimes bellow like drill sergeants, but we learned that they're really pretty nice. Once they sit down and stop stomping around in their huge boots (their boots are bigger than we are!) we like to get on their laps too. And after we got to know Mama's brothers, no guy could ever intimidate us!

Dahlia: Really, the only way your boyfriend is going to be able to have a relationship with Gatsby is to be very, very patient with him. Mama once rescued a cat who had been abused and traumatized, and it took her weeks to get the cat to come out from under the couch where she was hiding.

Siouxsie: But every day for a week, she brought a can of yummy tuna cat food into the living room and put it under the couch. Then she began putting the tuna can on the floor, and every day she put it just a bit closer to her. She sat still on the floor while the cat slouched out and ate the food, until one day when the cat was so close that Mama could touch her. While the cat was eating, Mama reached out and very gently touched her head. The cat ran back a few paces and Mama talked quietly and reassuringly to the kitty until she went back to the food and began eating again.

Thomas: And then Mama started petting her and the cat began purring. And when the cat was all finished with her food, she curled up in Mama's lap and purred and purred and purred! From that day on, Mama and Maddy Gold (as she called the cat) were inseparable.

Dahlia: That was a long, long time ago. Long before Mama ever adopted Sinéad and Siouxsie.

Siouxsie: The point of this story is that it can take quite a while before a frightened, traumatized or abused cat can begin feeling safe.

Thomas: If Feliway and patient, kind treatment from your boyfriend don't seem to help the situation, we'd recommend that you talk to your vet. Sometimes a short course of anti-anxiety drugs can be helpful to rewire a cat's brain and help them feel less stressed.

Dahlia:: We don't think you should run off and get kitty Prozac right away. But if the other approaches don't work, and if you think you're in it for the long haul with your current boyfriend, it may be something to look into. But remember: Ultimately, loving kindness is the best antidote to fear.

Siouxsie: We don't think it would be a good idea to adopt another cat right now. The best choice would be to get Gatsby's relationship with your boyfriend worked out first. Once Gatsby is less fearful, maybe then you can consider adopting a friend for Gatsby.

Thomas: That kitty friend may help heal Gatsby's fear even further, if you adopt at the right time. But if you brought another cat in right now, Gatsby's stress level would go through the roof and this could cause behavior problems like urine marking, or even physical illness.

Dahlia: Please let us know how things work out, Torn. We hope your boyfriend and Gatsby can come to accept and appreciate -- and perhaps even love -- one another.

Siouxsie: Before we go, here's a quick "programming note," so to speak: Next week's column will be posted a day late, on Monday, Feb. 26, because Mama has big work obligations next weekend.

Got a question? Need some advice? E-mail us at advice@paws-and-effect.com. None of the material in this column is meant to be a substitute for regular veterinary care.