Dear Sinéad and Siouxsie:
I think I made a mistake. I purposely peed on my owner's bed while she watched, to get back at her for not feeding feeding me that day. She was gone most of the day and filled up my bowl before she left. When she got home, she went to bed. So at 5 a.m. the next morning, I mewed at her bedroom door to be let in. She opened up the door, and the rest is history. Now I am outside and I am doing my best to look pitiful so she will let me in. I am not all that hungry because there is plenty of food that I can steal outside. Also, some of the neighbors feed me sometimes.

So, what do you suggest? How do I show my owner that I am really, really sorry and I will never do it again? She looks pretty mad. Maybe I should give up and find somewhere else to live.

Thanks,
Jemima

Siouxsie: Jeez, Jemima, you made a liar out of us! Just last week, we told someone that cats never deliberately pee or poop on furniture to aggravate their humans.

Sinéad: I guess we'll have to modify our stance. There may be the occasional cat who tries this ill-fated method of disciplining their human, but most only try it once or they get sent to the Pound or something!

Siouxsie: You noticed that Sinéad said cats discipline THEIR humans. You have to understand that you are in charge of your person, not the other way around. She is not your owner, you own her. Any self-respecting cat person understands this dynamic.

Sinéad: That's a little harsh, Siouxsie. The relationship between cats and their people can be delicate at times, and, like cat-to-cat relationships, they occasionally require re-negotiating certain issues or even an argument.

Siouxsie: People generally get quite upset when you "do your business" on their furniture or clothing. This is partly because it's a lot harder for a human to clean themselves than it is for us cats.

Sinéad: You've probably noticed that they have to stand under rushing waterfalls and scrub their bodies, and they have to put their clothing--that's the poor fur substitute that people are forced to use because they're naked--in giant sloshing tubs of water and stuff.

Siouxsie: Back to the subject at hand, though. Since you really are sorry about peeing on your mama's bed, you need to figure out a way to make amends. You'll have to do something pretty obvious, because people can be pretty thick (especially when they're upset) and they don't necessarily understand our more subtle ways of communicating.

Sinéad: That's right. You can't telepathically communicate your apology to your mama, because she probably won't get it. And there aren't that many people who really understand our body language, either. We're not like dogs, who cringe and put their tails between their legs or hang their heads when they know they've done something wrong.

Siouxsie: Maybe you can bring your mama a whole bunch of dead mice and birds and line them up neatly right in front of her door.

Sinéad: Oh, Siouxsie! You know that people don't usually appreciate the gift of dead rodents. I wouldn't suggest the dead mice routine, Jemima. And dead birds sometimes make people upset because they think birds are pretty and shouldn't be eaten.

Siouxsie: You're no fun.

Sinéad: What I recommend is that you cry and meow and look heartbroken. Sit with your tail curled around your legs and give her That Look. You know, the demure one with the big, sad eyes. If you can work up a tear or two, that'll really tear her heart open and she'll start feeling guilty for leaving you outside. Rub your flanks against the door, then after a little bit of crying and meowing, move to the Silent Meow. If that doesn't work, then you have to resort to the final stage: lying down on the porch with your front legs stretched out and your head resting on them. Every time she walks by, open your eyes and give her the Sad Look.

Siouxsie: If your person hasn't relented by then, I suggest you abandon her. She's obviously not worth your time and effort.

Sinéad: However, I'm sure you'll have won her heart over before it becomes necessary to become a feline runaway. Our mama relents by stage one of my plan most times. She's such a big softie. Hee hee hee!

Siouxsie: When your mama lets you back inside, you'll need to begin a multi-pronged Affection Campaign. This will help your mama realize how indispensable you are.

Sinéad: The Affection Campaign begins with approaching your mama whenever she sits down and asking if you may have permission to sit on her lap. Holding your tail up and offering a sweet little chirp will get her attention, and as long as she isn't eating, she'll certainly want to share her lap with you. Curl up in the lap and allow your mama to pet you, then begin purring. People always melt when they hear a cat purr!

Siouxsie: The next step is Doing Cute Things. When you curl up in your mama's lap, make sure you curl your tail around her wrist or lick her hand (hopefully she'll have eaten something yummy to make this task even more pleasant). Play with your toys in ways that make her smile and laugh.

Sinéad: Spend as much time as possible in your mama's lap or by her side. Purr, tail-hug, and offer her endearing looks on a regular basis. Sleep in her bed if she allows you to do so. Our mama says there's nothing quite like falling asleep with a cat curled up nearby!

Siouxsie: This concentrated drive to help your mama understand how happy your presence makes her will get quick results. She will undoubtedly forgive the error in judgement that resulted in your using her bed as a litter box. If you need to discipline your person in the future, we recommend the Cold Shoulder method. Combining the Cold Shoulder with the Resentful Glare is good for more egregious offenses. And of course, there's always the Disappearing Act (in which you never show your face unless it's meal time).

Sinéad: These discipline methods are tried and true, and have been passed down through the lineage of cats from the dawn of our association with humans. They work very well in our house. If I give Mama the Cold Shoulder, she's usually begging for forgiveness in minutes.

Siouxsie: The Bed Soiling discipline method is a bastardized version of the Garden Soiling method. It was created and spread by a particularly neurotic line of purebred Persians from somewhere in the western United States, and while it may have worked with the first of that line (mostly because their breeder was at least as neurotic as the cats), Bed Soiling has received poor response in most cat households.

Sinéad: Let this be a lesson to you. Before you attempt any new discipline or behavior modification method on your human, be sure to check the statistics on the results. If you use our method, you'll probably be reading this column from the comfort of your mama's lap in no time at all!

Siouxsie: Good luck, Jemima. And feel free to share the results of your affection campaign.

Sinéad: We'd also like to hear from other cats about human-disciplining methods that have worked for them. Our mama doesn't need to be disciplined very often, but we like to keep her on her toes, you know.

Got a question? Need some advice? E-mail Sinéad and Siouxsie at advice@paws-and-effect.com. None of the advice in this column is meant to be a substitute for regular veterinary care.