Dear Sinéad and Siouxsie:
I am an 18-year-old calico cat who is spoiled. My human, well, she's an at-home person who loves animals and I lack for nothing. I live with another dog, a golden retriever named Jordan. He's kinda stupid, that is my opinion, but very lovable. I rub up against him sometimes and he kisses me.

Anyway, I am very worried about my human. My human is very upset. She had to put Ginger, the other golden retriever/husky, to sleep the other day and isn't herself at all. Oh, she is still taking very good care of me and Jordan. But she will cry and sob all of a sudden during the day and I don't know what to do. Jordan is more freaked out than I am. He was very close to Ginger. Used to lick and clean her face every day....yuck! Anyway, I wonder when or if my human will ever recover from this loss. She knew that her Ginger was ready to go because Ginger gave her The Look--you know, that look that we will give you when it's time to let us go? Well, I don't think my human realized it was going to be so hard afterward. She looks at the place where Ginger used to lay and will sob. Poor Jordan doesn't know what to do...whether to go up and nudge her or just leave her alone. She knows that Jordan misses Ginger too 'cause she hugs him and tells him that she loves him just as much but that she really really misses Ginger. Now, I am 18 years old and Ginger was going on 17 1/2. Jordan is only six. I was not that close to Ginger, but I do not like seeing my human so sad. Will she ever stop crying? What can I do to help her and cheer her up? Thanks for any advice.

I hope when I give my human that "I'm ready to go" look, she will let me go too. But I'm worried 'cause she's so upset about Ginger. Will she have the strength to do this again with me or Jordan? I sure hope so 'cause I don't want to suffer and lose my dignity like a lot of animals have to.

Thanks,
Callie

Sinéad: First, let us say that our sympathies and condolences are with you. We understand how hard this time can be for humans, and for other animals in the household.

Siouxsie: We've had to help Mama through times like these, and so we know what it's like to watch your human go through this kind of sorrow and grief.

Sinéad: What your mama is going through is quite normal for humans who love their animal friends deeply. The sad thing is that there are a lot of humans who think it's silly to be so sad at the loss of animal friends, and they say thoughtless things like, "What's the big deal? He was just a dog."

Siouxsie: Those people don't understand that losing any family member who shares your life and a place in your heart--whether that family member has two legs or four; fur, feathers, scales or fins--is going to cause pain and grief.

Sinéad: Add to that the fact that your human had to make a very hard decision about whether to honor Ginger's wishes to leave her body, and you have a sure mix for a lot of sadness, and maybe even guilt!

Siouxsie: Your mama made a decision that took a lot of courage when she decided to honor Ginger's wishes and let her go. A lot of people don't have the courage it takes to make that kind of choice, and so many animals suffer for much longer than they need to.

Sinéad: Too many humans are afraid to let their animal friends go. They're afraid they're making the wrong decision, they rationalize that their animal friend "really isn't in pain" because they don't "say" that they're suffering (even if they are), and so on.

Siouxsie: So if part of your mama's sadness is from feeling guilty, we'd like to reassure her that she doesn't need to feel guilty. She made the right choice, and from the spirit world Ginger is thanking her mama for letting her go.

Sinéad: Callie, I think your human will stop crying eventually. But she's going through what humans call a "grieving process" right now. The length of grieving is different for every human and every circumstance, so we can't tell you exactly when the sharp pain of Ginger's loss will soften to a dull throb and slowly fade away to a joyous and sad recollection. But we know it will. Siouxsie and I helped Mama grieve when her first cat teacher, Iris, died. It was three years ago now, but sometimes she still gets a little tear in her eye when she thinks of Iris.

Siouxsie: A couple of head-bonks and a purring session on her lap usually sort that out pretty quickly, though.

Sinéad: Speaking of head-bonks and purring, there are a few things that you and Jordan can do to help your mama through this time. Extra love and affection is very important. Your human needs to know that you care about her and that you and Jordan love her. Jordan can nudge and rest his head on your mama's lap and do other kinds of things that dogs do to say "I understand, I love you, I'm sorry you're sad." Mama says that's one of the things dogs do best!

Siouxsie: You said that Jordan misses Ginger a lot, too, so make sure you're extra nice to Jordan while he does his grieving. Maybe you can cuddle up with him sometimes and purr to him. Purrs are the best remedy for emotional pain. Bar none!

Sinéad: Humans make this stuff called Rescue Remedy. It's a Bach Flower Essence, and you can get it at health food stores. Mama says it's great for helping to ease physical and emotional trauma. She uses it when she gets a big hurt on her body or in her heart.

Siouxsie: It's safe for animals, too. After we come back from the vet, Mama rubs a couple of drops of Rescue Remedy into the fur on the top of our heads. We don't like the taste of it, so we wouldn't want her to feed it to us, but we don't mind if she rubs it on our heads. It helps us feel better, too.

Sinéad: Maybe your mama should get some Rescue Remedy and take it, and rub some on you and Jordan, too.

Siouxsie: Another thing you and Jordan and your mama can do is have a little ceremony to commemorate Ginger's life. When Iris died, Mama burned a candle and held some pictures of Iris, and she talked about some of her favorite memories of life with Iris and said good-bye to her out loud. She cried while she was doing it, and we were sad too--Iris was our adopted great-gramma kitty, and she taught us a lot about being good cat teachers--but it helped all of us feel better to have a special time to honor Iris.

Sinéad: Mama found a website that's all about helping people through the loss of beloved animal companions. It's called www.petloss.com, and you can post tributes to animal friends, connect with other people in online support chats, find inspirational poetry, and all sorts of stuff. Maybe your mama will want to visit that site. It might help her feel less alone as a human who grieves deeply for her animal friend.

Siouxsie: Mama also wrote an essay about Iris shortly after she died. Mama thinks the essay is corny, so she didn't want to share it, but we know better.

Sinéad: Callie, you talk about being afraid your mama might not be able to let you go when you're ready to go. That's a valid fear. Sometimes I'm afraid of that, too, because Mama cries when she even thinks about it.

Siouxsie: But your mama has a lot of courage, just like our mama. And since your mama was brave enough to make the decision to honor Ginger's wishes, we're confident that when you're ready to go, she'll hear you too.

Sinéad: One of Mama's friends, Kaetheryn Walker, is a veterinary homeopath. She wrote a book called The Heart That Is Loved Never Forgets, and it's about helping animals (and people, to a degree) through the grief process with homeopathy and compassion. This is a book every animal person should own, in our opinion, because if nothing else, it will show you that animals do grieve and will give you some pointers on how to cope with your and your animal friends' grief.

Siouxsie: One of the things Kaetheryn used to say is that every human who befriends an animal should know that saying hello means eventually saying good-bye. Ending the suffering of a beloved animal is the ultimate act of love. It means you love that animal enough to let them go, even though it's going to hurt you to the bottom of your soul.

Sinéad: Mama says that if your mama wants to talk to another human who understands her pain, she should e-mail us--we'll make sure Mama gets the message!

Siouxsie:"We never forget them; we just learn to live without them," as the Pet Psychic says. That's the essence of grief right there. It'll take some time, but your mama will start to feel better.

Sinéad: In the meantime, be extra-generous with your purrs and lap-sitting sessions, and encourage your mama to get some Rescue Remedy.

Siouxsie: We hope we've been able to help you--and your mama--in this difficult time. Our purrs are with you all.

Sinéad: On a different note, we got a letter in response to our column last week about keeping your animals inside during the cold weather:

Dear Sinéad and Siouxsie:
Just a reminder...I'm an ex-humane officer in Washington, D.C. We always told people that blankets or cloth do not make proper bedding as they will freeze when they get wet. Always use, straw, shavings or other non-fabric bedding. The state of Maine does have a good anti-cruelty law, unfortunately it does not get enforced. Just a thought. Keep up the good work!
--DK

Siouxsie: Thanks for that reminder, DK. We hadn't even thought of that (we're indoor-only cats, you see). And thanks for reading our column!

Sinéad: Thanks also for all the work you and other (current and former) humane law enforcement officers do to help stop and prevent animal cruelty. It must seem like an impossible task sometimes, but take it from us--every single animal you've saved from abuse or neglect is a tremendous step toward making the world a better place. Every act of kindness and compassion, no matter how small it seems, is worth doing, and we're truly grateful to you and all the HLE officers who serve as a voice for animals who need a friend.

Got a question? Need some advice? E-mail Sinéad and Siouxsie at advice@paws-and-effect.com. None of the advice in this column is meant to be a substitute for regular veterinary care.