Dear Sinéad and Siouxsie:
Thanks for your wonderful discussion about care and loss. I lost my sweetheart
just before Christmas--she was 18, came to my door 17 years earlier and was
the purrfect kitty--a blue patch tabby,who loved no one but me (go figure).
First she lost her keen vision, then the thyroid, etc. I wanted to live in
denial, but, of course, couldn't; I fought like crazy to keep her alive, but
but good vet care, medication and tons of love wasn't enough. Now I can't
get over the loss or the guilt that maybe I didn't do enough. The void is
overwhelmingly huge. Your article helped, so I thank you. Time and great memories,
I'm sure, are the cure that softens the pain.
Thanks again,
Keith
Sinéad: Thank you for your kind words, Keith. And we're honored to hear that our article has helped you during a very difficult time in your life.
Siouxsie: The timing of your letter could not possibly have been better. Several of Mama's human friends have lost beloved animal companions recently, and if we hadn't gotten your letter, we were planning to write about this subject anyhow.
Sinéad: The hardest thing about being a human who's lost an animal companion is that too many humans don't understand the impact that an animal friend's death has on the human who has opened their heart to that animal.
Siouxsie: Yeah! Too many humans say cruel and thoughtless things like, "What are you so upset about? He was just a cat!" Those kind of humans don't understand the concept of animals being a part of the family.
Sinéad: The truth is, many cats live well into their teen years. This is plenty of time for humans to form very deep, abiding love bonds. If a human couple had lost a teenage child they'd adopted as a baby, would we say, "What are you so upset about? He wasn't really your kid."? I don't think so!
Siouxsie: Not only is there the length of the relationship between a human and an animal (which Mama tells us is longer than most intimate relationships between two humans), but animals happen to come into people's lives at certain times for certain reasons.
Sinéad: So when a human loses a beloved animal, they often lose a friend who has not only been with them through many moves of house, the beginning and end of at least one significant inter-human relationship, and who has loved them unconditionally...but that human has also lost a teacher as well.
Siouxsie: It's no wonder that humans become grief-stricken over the loss of an animal companion.
Sinéad: The pity is that their loss isn't taken seriously in most cases. Humans can get bereavement leave from work for the death of a human relative, but few humans would ask for bereavement leave (or even a "mental health day") for the loss of an animal friend for fear that they'd be laughed out of the office.
Siouxsie: This is starting to change, though. Mama says she's seen posters for pet loss support groups from time to time, and in her experience, more humans are beginning to understand that the loss of a beloved animal really is a serious loss.
Sinéad: And there are a lot of resources on the Internet, including websites like Petloss.com, where people post memorials to their pets, grief support boards and chats are available, and much, much more.
Siouxsie: Mama wrote a really sweet article about the life and death of her first cat teacher, Great Grammie Iris, which will appear in the next issue of Animal Wellness Magazine, in their "Animal Passages" forum.
Sinéad: We hope that you have friends and family who understand your loss and take it seriously, Keith. And we hope that you take your loss seriously, too, and give yourself the time you need to grieve.
Siouxsie: Speaking of grieving, another thing people don't think much about is that animals grieve their losses, too.
Sinéad: We're sure you've seen a cat or dog run around the house, searching and calling for a missing friend. Grammie Shaughnessy did that for a while after Great-Grammie Iris died. And Iris' dog, Aki, also missed her and looked for her.
Siouxsie: One of our best human friends, a veterinary homeopath named Kaetheryn Walker, wrote a wonderful book called The Heart That is Loved Never Forgets. This book explores how humans and animals grieve the loss of animal companions in their lives.
Sinéad: In this book, Kaetheryn also talks about how to help an animal accept and move through its dying process. And she gives advice about how homeopathy can help a grieving animal (or human) to avoid getting "stuck" in the grieving process.
Siouxsie: Humans need to remember to console their living animal companions after one of the household animals has died.
Sinéad: Some signs of grief in animals include:
Siouxsie: In addition to homeopathy, other forms of alternative healing such as Reiki (healing touch) and flower essences can also aid in recovery from grief.
Sinéad: We have a cat friend who had gone through a major transition that seemed to him like abandonment. As a result, he was so grief-stricken and broken-hearted that he got really sick. Mama gave him Reiki, and we and all our cat friends purred for him, and, between that and the veterinary care he got for his physical illness, he made a complete recovery. Later on, Mama gave him a homeopathic remedy indicated for his grief and the way he was manifesting it in his body, and now he's snapped out of his depression and is beginning to open his heart again.
Siouxsie: We encourage humans to have some sort of "memorial service" to commemorate the life of an animal friend. It doesn't have to be a big public thing, but a small family ritual can help everyone to move through their grief. A memorial ceremony can also help children to learn how to deal with death if their loss and sadness are taken seriously.
Sinéad: Mama remembers her animal friends in spirit as well as her human friends on days such as Samhain (Halloween or All Saints Day) by putting together an "altar" with photos of them, lighting a candle, and saying a prayer thanking them for sharing their lives with her. Then she sits back and remembers some of the happy times she shared with those friends.
Siouxsie: As long as you take the time to remember your cat friend, Keith, she will never be gone. You are truly blessed to have had such a wonderful animal friend and teacher in your life, and you have our sympathy--as well as our virtual cuddles and purrs--for your loss.
Sinéad: Thanks again for your wonderful letter, and we wish you and any other animal teachers in your present or your future all the best.
Got a question? Need some advice? E-mail Sinéad and Siouxsie at advice@paws-and-effect.com. None of the advice in this column is meant to be a substitute for regular veterinary care.
