Dear Sinéad and Siouxsie:
I have a 12-year-old cat named Midnight. Two months ago his brother died (they were from the same litter and have lived with me since they were 6 months old). It has been hard for Midi although he seems to be doing well. I've been giving him extra attention, but was wondering what wisdom you can offer.

Thanks,
Vickie

Sinéad: Well, Vickie, it speaks very highly of your compassion and caring that you are aware death can be hard for animals as well as for people.

Siouxsie: Animals do grieve the death of their four-legged companions. Grief can take various forms, including some very subtle ones, in cats.

Sinéad: A common phenomenon is searching for the missing animal companion. Every time you open a door, the survivor might rush in and try to find the dead one. Sometimes, calling out will be involved, too.

Siouxsie: Surviving animal can exhibit signs of depression, too--they may eat less (or not at all), or they may hide a lot. Their activity level and temperament may change, too. An active cat could become sedentary, or an ordinarily friendly cat could become grumpy.

Sinéad: Sometimes you'll just know by looking in their eyes that they are terribly sad.

Siouxsie: The best thing you can do to help Midnight through his grieving is to be extra-considerate of his needs. Don't punish him if he misbehaves. Let him have all the "lap time" he needs. Talk to him; tell him you're sad about his brother's death, too.

Sinéad: The fact that you've been giving Midnight extra love and attention is wonderful. And I'm sure it's been helping you through your own grief, too. It's hard to lose a friend you've known for 12 years.

Siouxsie: We'll give some advice to you, too, Vickie: Don't be ashamed of your grief. Many humans don't understand the impact the death of a beloved animal can have on the person who loved (and still loves) that animal.

Sinéad: If you had to have Midnight's brother euthanized, please try not to feel guilty about that. It's a very difficult for humans when they realize it's time to let their friends go, and it takes great courage to make that final decision. Many humans are afraid of death and so they put off ending their animal's suffering because they fear their own pain. Midnight and his brother know you do everything you do for them from a place of love and compassion.

Siouxsie: If it makes it any easier for you, please know that we cats don't fear death. Generally we leave our bodies before we can feel any pain from the experience. That's one of the reasons we cats purr as we're dying; we're already in a place beyond pain and suffering.

Sinéad: Of course, that doesn't make death any easier for the survivors. We've seen Mama grieve when her older cat teachers, Iris and Shaughnessy, died. We know she cried and she looked at old pictures, and she wrote essays about them. We also know that with her sadness came the joy of remembering the wonderful times they shared together.

Siouxsie: Mama tells us there's an Irish tradition called a wake. It's a gathering or a party where people get together to honor the dead by sharing their memories of life with that individual. We think that's a very healing thing, and we're all for a wake or some other ritual of remembrance.

Sinéad: We think maybe that could help you and Midnight, even if you just had some private time together where you looked at old photos or held some favorite toys. If you write or do art or make music, do something creative in memory of the deceased kitty.

Siouxsie: Remember that grief can take a while to process. Twelve years is a long time. And for Midnight, this is the first time he's been a single cat, ever. I can't imagine how empty life would be without Sinéad, or even Thomas.

Sinéad: That being said, it's probably not the best idea to rush out and get a new cat or kitten. Both you and Midnight need time to move through your grief. And you might find that Midnight, once he gets accustomed to the changes, might enjoy being a solo cat.

Siouxsie: If and when you're both ready to bring a new cat into your lives, make a short-term commitment at first. Many animal shelters offer the opportunity to "foster" animals--that is, take care of them for a week, two weeks, or maybe a month at a time. This gives you plenty of time to see if the relationship will work out, knowing that there's a time limit in the event of disharmony between Midnight and any other kitty.

Sinéad: And it gives the foster cat an opportunity to experience a different kind of life, and maybe get restored to health or become less timid. That will make the cat more adoptable in the long run.

Siouxsie: If things work out really well, maybe you can permanently adopt the new arrival.

Sinéad: But always, always remember to respect Midnight's wishes in the matter of bringing other animals into your home. I'd recommend you wait at least four more months before even considering foster care or adoption.

Siouxsie: If Midnight is still suffering or exhibiting signs of acute or severe grief, particularly depression or not eating, we'd recommend that you consult with your vet just to make sure there's nothing physically wrong with him.

Sinéad: There are some companies that offer alternative remedies for animals, primarily flower essences. It's amazing what flower essences can do to help a cat get back on an even emotional keel. And since they're liquid, you don't have to give them as pills and subject your kitty to more trauma.

Siouxsie: The flower essences created for animals have no alcohol and contain only animal-safe ingredients.

Sinéad: Mama has dealt primarily with Green Hope Farms, a company that has a wonderful animal care flower essence line. Siouxsie and I love the essences she bought from them, and we recommend them highly. They have a particular animal-care remedy called Grief & Loss, which is specially made to help animals (and people) move through the loss of a beloved animal companion.

Siouxsie: Another company that makes flower essences for cats (and dogs, and bunnies) is Cat Faeries. According to their website, they don't have a remedy specifically for grief, but they do have some other essences that are helpful in a variety of behavior situations.

Sinéad: So, Vickie, we hope that between the love and care you're giving Midnight, and some veterinary or flower essence support as needed, you can both move through this difficult period. We remember watching the Pet Psychic show on Animal Planet, and the lady used to say to people who lost beloved animals, "We never get over them, we just learn to live without them." It's true. Every spirit we meet in this life has an impact on our souls, and every one of them makes a difference.

Siouxsie: If you need some extra support yourself, there are some resources on the Internet. Two that come to mind right away are Petloss.com and In Memory of Pets. You can find everything from places to write a tribute to your pet to contact information for online and "real-life" pet loss support groups.

Sinéad: Our purrs are with you and Midnight, Vickie. We hope we've been able to help. And remember, if you ever think you see Midi's brother out the corner of your eye or you feel his whiskers brush your face....you just might be right. He may be stopping by to remind you that he loves you and thanks you for the life and love you gave him.

Got a question? Need some advice? E-mail Sinéad and Siouxsie at advice@paws-and-effect.com. None of the advice in this column is meant to be a substitute for regular veterinary care.